Proper Leonhart Use
by Carbuncle
Summary: Set after "Holy Crap! I'm in an Abusive Relationship!" The party miss the Balamb Town Funtime Festival because of Squall's unfortunate disability. Rinoa then goes on a mission to recover her boyfriend's brain.


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Proper Leonhart Use  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Selphie and Irvine are waiting there)  
Irvine: (looking at his watch) Man, where the hell are those two?! We don't have all day to wait for 'em!  
Selphie: Lighten up, Irvy! ^_^  
Irvine: But the Balamb Town Funtime Festival starts in, like, five minutes! We have to hurry or we're gonna miss the best bits!  
Selphie: I'm sure they'll be here soon!!  
Rinoa: (pushes Squall's wheelchair into the cafeteria) Sorry we're late, everyone. Squall refused to eat his tomato soup again.  
Squall: (angry) Squally! (crosses his arms and pouts) Squally!  
Rinoa: But we're ready now, so let's hit the road!  
  
(Cut to Balamb, the town entrance. Squall, Irvine, Rinoa and Selphie arrive. The whole town has been decorated with banners and balloons, and lots of different market stalls have been set up around the shops. The place is almost empty though and there is no one behind any of the stalls)  
Irvine: Geez, I thought we'd never get him into the car. (notices the town is empty) What the? Where the hell is everybody?!  
Rinoa: ...are you sure the Balamb Town Funtime Festival was today, Irvine?  
Irvine: Sure as hell! (Cid and Quistis approach) Hey, you two! What's with the emptiness?  
Quistis: Huh?  
Irvine: Don't "huh" me, you stupid bitch! Why's it so damn quiet here?!  
Cid: Oh, everyone's gone home.  
Irvine: What?!  
Cid: The festival ended half an hour ago.  
Irvine: Half an hour ago?!  
Selphie: Then why are you guys still here?  
Cid: We, uh, stayed to help clear up. Everyone else buggered off home though.  
Irvine: So, we missed the festival?!?!  
Cid: Yep, 'fraid so.  
Irvine: (Cid and Quistis leave) The hamburgers... the illegal poker games... the stuffed toys! We missed out on them all!  
Selphie: Don't be too sad, Irvy, there's always next year.  
Irvine: Aaagh! This's all Squall's fault!  
Rinoa: How is it Squall's fault?!  
Irvine: 'Cause if we didn't have to wait for his damn ass then we'd have got down here hours ago! It's his damn fault we missed the damn festival, and I'll be damned if I'm ever gonna forgive him for this!  
Selphie: Irvy, breathe!  
Irvine: (to Squall) I've had it with you! You're the cause of all the heartache and stress around here lately, you know that?! You're absolutely positively the single most annoying person I've ever met, and I hate you!  
Squall: (confused) Squally?  
Irvine: Squally? Squally?! Squally!! Change the damn record, Squall!  
Squall: Uhhh livin' a lie!  
Irvine: Aaagh! Why?!  
Rinoa: Irvine, for God's sake just calm down! (slaps him in the face)  
Irvine: Uh... yeah, sorry 'bout that. I guess I did go a little over the top. But seriously, we can't continue like this. Something has to be done about poor Squall here. He's been holdin' us all back for the past week.  
Rinoa: I admit that Squall's been a pain lately, but what can we do? We haven't even the faintest idea of how to bring him back to normal.  
Selphie: Well, in all fairness, we haven't really tried to bring him back to normal.  
Irvine: Yeah, you've been nursin' him all the damn time like he was a baby or something!  
Rinoa: I HAVE always wanted a baby...  
Selphie: Rinoa, Squall is a 17-year-old teenage man boy, not a 2-year-old baby. You're being selfish.  
Rinoa: You're right, Selphie. We have to try and recover Squall's brain! Let's take him to see that weird doctor in Esthar.  
Irvine: You mean Dr. Odine?  
Rinoa: No, the other one - Dr. Enido.  
  
(Cut to Esthar, Dr. Enido's surgery. Squall and Rinoa are both sitting inside with the doctor)  
Rinoa: ...and that's the whole story, Dr. Enido. What do you think?  
Enido: In all my years as a doctor I have never heard of such a case as bizarre as this one.  
Squall: Squally!  
Enido: (to Squall) I notice that seems to be all you can say.  
Rinoa: Yeah, so now you know why we have to cure my boyfriend as quickly as possible. Don't you have any kind of medicine you could prescribe?  
Enido: Ms. Heartilly, the man is suffering from brain damage, not the common cold. I'm going to be completely and utterly honest with you here, Ms. Heartilly: there is a strong chance that your boyfriend may never walk, talk, fawlk or make love ever again.  
Rinoa: I know! I've heard all this from the doctor at Balamb Garden! But there must be someone who can do something for him!  
Enido: The only people that would have the power to heal this boy would be the sorceresses, but they've been extinct for millions and millions of years... or was that the dinosaurs?  
Rinoa: Of course! I think I know what I have to do now! Thank you, Dr. Enido!  
Enido: Who?  
  
(Cut to Edea's Orphanage. Squall, Rinoa and Edea are there)  
Rinoa: ...so since you're a sorceress it came to my attention that YOU might have the power to heal my boyfriend, and turn him back to normal.  
Edea: Great deduction, brainiac. I mean, yes, you're very, very smart for your age.  
Squall: Squally!!  
Edea: I could probably turn him back to normal... for a price of course.  
Rinoa: What?! You've got to be kidding me!  
Edea: (laughs) You young ones are so easily fooled! Of course I'm kidding you!  
Rinoa: ...  
Edea: To turn Squall back to normal I shall need an ether, two X-Potions and a butt for.  
Rinoa: What's a butt for?  
Edea: For pooping, silly. Now, as soon as I have all these items, I will be able to turn Squall back to his normal political self.  
Rinoa: Okay, well I already have an ether with me. (pulls an ether out of her pocket and gives it to Edea) I'll get the other things as soon as possible.  
Edea: Very well. I shall remain here.  
Rinoa: Right. Come on, Squally. (gets up and pushes Squall away)  
Squall: Squally!! Livin' a lie!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Irvine and Selphie are sitting at the table. Rinoa runs in)  
Rinoa: You guys! Do either of you have any X-Potions I could borrow?  
Irvine: Sure. I've got tons of 'em in Selphie's dorm. You can have some. Me and Selphie've only been using 'em in our sick, perverted sexual acts.  
Selphie: Yeah, I usually like to cover myself with the cool liquid and let Irvine lick it slowly off of my body. (gets up) I'll go get them for you. (leaves)  
Rinoa: (pissed off) Irvine, I thought that was OUR special sexual activity!  
Irvine: (sweatdrop) ...eh heh heh heh!  
  
(Cut to Edea's Orphanage. She and Cid can be heard in the bedroom)  
Edea: Oh, Cid! Push harder!  
Cid: Oh yes!! One last push!!  
Edea: Yes! Yesss!! (she and Cid walk out of the bedroom, fully clothed) I've been trying to move that cupboard all day. Thank goodness you came home to help.  
Cid: Don't mention it, dear. You can thank me later in bed. (Rinoa pushes Squall into the house) Oh, hello you two.  
Rinoa: Mistress Edea, I've got all the stuff you wanted. Can you cure Squall now?  
Edea: Certainly. (takes the items from Rinoa) I just need a little time to prepare these things.  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the Quad. Most of the FFVIII characters from Garden have gathered there. Rinoa walks in)  
Rinoa: Thank you for coming, everyone.  
Irvine: What's the big freakin' deal here?  
Nida: Yeah, why are we all here?  
Rinoa: I have a surprise for all of you. Some of you may have noticed that Squall's been a bit... uh, distant lately since I, through no fault of my own, beat the living heck out of him. But thanks to Sorceress Edea he's all better now. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce... the old Squall Leonhart. (steps to one side as Squall enters)  
Squall: Hi, everybody!  
Irvine: Wow! He's back to his old usual self-centered moody self again!  
Selphie: Hurray!  
Cid: Welcome back, Squall.  
Squall: Yeah, whatever.  
Quistis: Now only one question remains: whatever happened to Zell Dincht? (a blaze of smoke clouds up the stage)  
Zell: (steps out from the smoke) Whoa! What a trip!  
Selphie: Zell?! You're back!  
Irvine: Where've you been, man?  
Zell: I've been to hell.  
Nida: Whoa, then you must have so many things to tell us!  
Zell: Nah, I just want a hot dog.  
Squall: Hmph! This is supposed to be my party! Damn Zell!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
